Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

"Honey, I'll take the kids to school today if that's easi-"

[wife doesn't hear me, she's already headed to Starbucks, screaming "Sucker!"]

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 27, 2015

Me to baby: Say Dada!
Husband: You don't want her first word to be Mama?
Me: Hell no! The other 2 won't leave me alone. This one's yours.

— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) March 24, 2015

Does it make me a helicopter parent if I'm spinning around in circles all day and getting nowhere?

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 24, 2015

Don't have children if scraping dried Rice Krispies off of fucking everything isn't part of your 5-year plan.

— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) March 26, 2015

Me: Were you good at daycare?

4-year-old: What do you mean by "good?"

I'm raising a lawyer.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2015

It takes real gumption to stand your ground and refuse to back down. Which must be why my toddler peed on an open book at bedtime.

— Full Metal Mommy (@FullMetalMommy) March 24, 2015

My Son's kindergarten teacher said my son lacks focus, so I started laughing really hard and said, "Did you catch Conan last night?"

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) March 26, 2015

My 5yo just asked "How did the first person take care of itself when it was just a baby?" WTF?! Solid question. Googling it now.

— Jeff Wild (@jiffywild) March 24, 2015

My husband comes back from a four-day business trip today.

*shoves kid in his face and runs away

— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) March 26, 2015

I'm the one who went through the misery of birthing you, so you should be the one giving me a present on this day every year, kid.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 24, 2015

Sometimes I forget my kids are at school and a panic washes over me while I try to assess why it's quiet and if I've left them somewhere.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) March 25, 2015

Does the Toothfairy offer her subcontractors disability? Last night I stubbed my toe doing her job and I'd like to file a claim.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 26, 2015

Having kids is like bringing a third wheel along on every date you'll ever have for the rest of your life. If that third wheel were a hyena.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 24, 2015

My kid bullshits his way through the alphabet.
He's ready for the real world.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) March 25, 2015

Friend: I'm pregnant! I'm so excited. I'm going to ask you for a ton of advice.
*It might be time to tell her I have no clue what I'm doing.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 25, 2015

"Edamame is made out of green beans and moms. Everybody knows that."
- My 7yo, who would probably really enjoy eating Soylent Green

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 25, 2015

My son hates to brush his teeth but loves to eat his boogers. Am I doing it wrong?

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2015

True love is peeling the skin off your child's hot dog and holding up her nightgown while she poops.

— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) March 26, 2015

Asked the five-year-old bed hog to *please* pick a side of the bed and he replied - with no irony - "I pick... the middle."

— Anna Sandler (@Anna_Sandler) March 26, 2015

"Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share!" I sing softly to myself as I clean my house alone after everyone is asleep.

— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2015

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